In a paper I read
About the beauty of language
A famous scholar said
About Sanskrit
That it described things perfectly
Such as
Nipal asam
“As softly or silently as the falling of leaves.”
It made me think of
Leaves drifting through the softness of time
Like a sigh suspended in the softness of space
It made me think of
The soft cocoon of your heartbeat
A language of beauty
For mine.
(NaPoWriMo 2024)
A still from our maternity photoshoot.
I feel empowered to advocate for myself today. The journey to conception has variegated shades. For many it’s as easy (or as inconvenient) as an accident. For others it’s about cycle tracking, second guessing, fretting and despairing. The other day in Vedanta class we were talking about how if you live consciously, every event in life, whether good or bad can help in inner growth. My conception journey, and subsequent pregnancy, have actually been a time of immense growth for me.
I’ve come across many women whose health issues have led to a deeper and more meaningful connection to themselves. In this conversation with filmmaker Roopal Kewalaya, we spoke about how she experienced a closer connection to herself because of her experience with endometriosis and how she now feels that illness is your friend, not an enemy. It’s a wonderful, heartening conversation that all women should watch.
When I first started on my journey to conception I met a lot of doctors who had a spiel about maternal age, IVF and all the things that could go wrong. I speak about it in my video about my first trimester that you can watch here.
I also met an acupuncturist told me that even a ‘normal’ woman ovulates only once every two months, which is 6 times a year. When I cross questioned her she told me this is what all the books say and if I worked with her she could have me ovulating every month. This was factually incorrect. Also, there was nothing wrong with my ovulation cycles.
I also met a fitness professional told me that I probably had diastasis recti because ‘all women do’. According to my research it wasn’t that clear cut. So I asked my doctor to check and she said it’s not something that I have to worry about – those bumps look very different from mine.
These experiences can make any woman paranoid. But they also emphasise the importance of a pause – I remember I needed all my energy to confidently advocate for myself.
There are all kinds of bullies in the medical fraternity.
A radiologist I got to know well once said about a famous doctor that “…she has a terrible bedside manner but her rates of conception are very high”. The doctor in question might be a great doctor but she has no right to be rude and aggressive with patients. I’ve read review after review about her online where women talk about leaving her office in tears. I remember I stood up and literally stormed out of this doctor’s office as she was mid-sentence.
A disrespectful doctor will continue to bully you (just like any other bully). You might be coerced to do what they feel is right for you. But I’ve learned that if a doctor doesn’t inspire a 100% faith and trust in you, they are usually not right for you – in fact they are terrible for your mental health, which feeds into your physical health. Standing up to bullies is one way you can advocate for yourself.
The more doctors I consulted the more IVF sales pitches I got. Many of my questions were dismissed and my fears weren’t addressed. I was not only unhappy, but also dissatisfied.
Eventually I decided to do my own research. I refused to blindly trust the information that was coming my way. Instead I looked for studies and data. I read a lot of books and blogs. I channelled my anxious energy into research on infertility and women’s health.
Health issues can make many women feel vulnerable. When we operate from a space of vulnerability instead of peace we’re rarely thinking rationally. This reflects in the decisions we make. Instead of looking at illness as some kind of punishment, I love Roopal’s take on it – that illness is your body trying to communicate with you.
In my case the journey has taught me to unequivocally, unapologetically and powerfully advocate for myself.
The other day we went out for lunch with another pregnant couple we know, and as usual we took some photos after lunch. The photos were amazing, what with Bangalore in full bloom. But looking at them later I felt a twinge of discomfort. My friend is further along than me and she barely looked pregnant. In fact she was radiant, glowing and happy. All I could think when I looked at myself was would I ever go back to what I looked like before? Welcome to the trials and tribulations of the fat girl’s pregnancy.
One of the most read blogs on this site is this one where I write about my struggles with weight loss. I’m surprised more women aren’t discussing this. Pregnancy weight is different for women who used to be overweight. The fat girl’s pregnancy isn’t an excuse to eat whatever she wants and get away with it. Instead, we gingerly analyse every new bulge. We know we’re not eating for two, and remember that with every morsel we eat. We don’t bask in our ‘pregnancy glow’.
At every doctor’s checkup, the fat girl faces the weighing scale and feels a little unbalanced when the extra kgs are met with an approving smile.
It’s about looking critically at our bumps and thinking why we look so huge as compared to the friend/celebrity/influencer who has the cutest bump but retains her chiseled face.
It’s also about feeling uncomfortable in our clothes (and skin) but not wanting to get new ones for fear of having to live in them forever.
I’m in my 8th month now, and we’re successfully ‘march’-ING (get it?) towards the finishing line. And not a day goes by when I don’t think when will I be back to ‘normal’ size? What if I never lose this weight? What if I’m the fat girl again and forever?
Unfortunately, there is no roadmap for how fat girls can silence the internal critic (which is their constant companion). How do we lose the weight all over again, a painful ordeal we’ve been through once already?
Our dates with Mayank and Amita have been about catching up and exchanging notes and excitement. I can’t believe our children will grow up together and it’s awesome to have someone to share this journey with.
There’s a disturbing narrative rampant in the prenatal fitness domain. It’s about women being encouraged to push themselves to continue their workouts with the same intensity as before they fell pregnant. Many coaches are even saying that you can get stronger during the pregnancy. The first time I heard this I involuntarily cringed.
The last 8 months have been transformative for me on many levels, including the physical. I’ve always maintained (perhaps controversially) that my life is not structured around my yoga, but that my yoga is structured around my life. I think this is the reason behind my robust sense of intuition.
During my journey to conception it was the confidence in my practice that helped me stand up to the usual spiel about IVF. I practiced my conception sequence daily without fail.
In my first trimester, when nausea plagued me all the time, I slowed down and took it easy. My yoga teachers told me to stop practicing until my fourth month. I didn’t lie down with my legs up the wall, I didn’t do ‘slow’ surya namaskars or a ‘modified’ practice. Instead I went for long walks and listened to helpful podcasts. I knew I had to support my body in establishing a healthy and strong pregnancy. I demonstrated the bare minimum in class and slept when fatigue overcame me.
In my second trimester I traveled to Chamrajpet for an entire month to learn my prenatal yoga sequence. It included inversions and supta asanas for almost thirty minutes. I continued to demonstrate the bare minimum in class, and by now my students knew I was pregnant and put their minds and bodies through my instructions. My backbends were supported and handstand jumps were off the table. I was growing and exploring my hunger pangs (which included random things like Magnum ice cream bars).
Now in my third trimester I’m bigger than ever. The other day I told my teacher that I’m slower now. She cut my asana reps to just one on each side. She’s happy that this journey is healthful and vibrant for me and for her. Both teachers have told me to practice until the last day of my pregnancy. And to restart 4 months after I deliver. These days I can’t do 10000 steps at a stretch, so I split them into intervals. Sometimes if I overdo it the PGP comes back and then I have to consciously rest.
I came across a personal trainer who looked at my arms deprecatingly and said, “You’ve lost some tone there.” The same trainer went on to tell me about other clients who’ve been running and lifting weights until the day they delivered. In my first trimester I read about such wonder women in ‘Yoga Sadhana for Mothers’ and it made my nausea worse. Whether it’s in the softness of my limbs or muscle tone, or my willingness to step back from tasks and classes that are ‘too much’ at the moment, this pregnancy has shown me I’m so much more than just my yoga. And that there is so much I can rely on in life than my yoga.
My own experience has convinced me that pregnancy is not a time to ‘prove’ things about my physical fitness.
The fact that a woman’s body goes through hormonal changes for 9 whole months as she gets heavier and slower shows what the female body is capable of. I didn’t pine after these asanas that many would consider were ‘lost’ to me. I still don’t feel I’ve ‘lost’ anything. The practice was, is and always will be mine. Which is why this narrative needs to stop, prenatal fitness is a whole different ball game.
I wonder if I had obsessed over the time I lost practicing, or fretted over my soft body, or forced myself to practice with the same intensity as before, would I have appreciated this journey and been prepared for the beautiful challenges yet to come?
Trusting the process.
With my beautiful (and wise) Mohiniyattam teacher, Dr. Honey Unnikrishnan. Looking forward to dancing again, I didn’t think I would miss it so much.
The pregnancies of social media are vastly different from the pregnancies of real life. Pregnancies are about hormonal imbalance, lack of sleep, dark circles, the ‘pregnancy mask’, vomit, illness, crippling back pain….the list is endless. When a woman goes through this, she just wants to feel better. In my first trimester I leaned into my friends’ sympathising looks, my husband’s proactiveness in taking over the running of the house, and my students’ understanding when I’d be a few minutes late to class. The best pregnancy advice I’ve received also came to me during my first trimester.
My Mohiniyattam teacher, Dr. Honey Unnikrishnan, has been a pillar of support for me. In this video I speak about how Honey was the first person who noticed a change in my body. During one of our online dance sessions, she asked me why my feet were so heavy, was I tired? I said perhaps I was about to get my period in a few days. In a few days I was in Honey’s house cum dance school, and as many of you know, I feel implantation happened during those few days.
When I gave Honey the news she was ecstatic. From then on she made a point coming home every time she was in Bangalore to spend some time with me. She became an invaluable source of information, advice and wisdom. She’s the one who gave me the best pregnancy advice I’ve received so far.
“Remember that this phase is just a part of you, and not 100% you,” she said one evening as we sipped cups of chamomile tea.
“You’ve done so much in life, remember your accomplishments, your achievements. This is not the only thing that’s going to define you. This is an important part, and certainly one of the priorities, but not the only priority. So stay balanced and don’t forget yourself. This is only a beautiful addition to you, not the complete you.”
I feel the worst thing a woman hears during pregnancy is, “think about your baby.”
I don’t think anyone can stop thinking about the baby (after all that’s what’s wreaking this havoc on our systems). While pregnancy is a time of growth, newness, discovery, it is also a time of uncertainty. Nothing you read or watch (certainly nothing you watch) can prepare you for the actual experience. You’re hungry but too sick to eat. Even drinking water is a challenge. The fatigue is indescribable. To tell a woman to focus on the baby is denying her experience and reality.
Some women are told to eat more than they ever have, because ‘you’re eating for two.’ Some are told not to exercise because of ‘their condition.’ Many are told not to go out or meet too many people because ‘nazar lag jayegi.’ As a culture we are focused on the unborn baby. Once they are born babies naturally become the centre of everyone’s attention, most of all the mother’s. But before that mothers deserve all our attention.
Like one of my friends said the other day, “Happy mothers, happy babies.”
Some genuinely happy mothers trying to get some fake candids.
Amita and I excited for our coffee date. Coffee is so a pregnancy controversy. For a long time everyone has been cautioned against it. As for me, I couldn’t stand coffee in the first trimester, but that got better in the second and third trimester. You can certainly drink your coffee (in moderation) during pregnancy, could also be the best pregnancy advice I received.
In a talk I gave the other day on my pregnancy journey, I was asked to recommend trusted sources of information. My sources will always be books written by qualified experts. In the last few months (my pre-pregnancy and pregnancy phase) I read a lot of academic and research articles, blogs and books. I’ve complied a list of books that form my pregnancy reading collection (so far).
I’ve tried to document this pregnancy as much as possible. This is from a collection of photos we took on our baby moon to Sakleshpur.
Before I fell pregnant myself, pregnancy seemed pretty straight forward. You get big, sometimes cranky and start to waddle around. Some women glow, and some can’t stop eating.
While all the above is true, it is also only a superficial insight into pregnancy. Pregnancy encompasses a whole gamut of experiences that no one really talks about. For instance no one tells you ‘morning sickness’ is a misnomer, that it should actually be called ‘all day sickness’. That you might not throw up, but you’ll feel like throwing up all the time. Also that your digestion goes for a toss, regardless of what you eat/don’t eat. Also that sometimes your skin might break out. And also no one tells you about the constant fatigue, which in itself is fatiguing. But there are two pregnancy symptoms that no one seems to be talking about…
One night I did a double take and blanched at what I saw in the sink – I had just spit out dark pink toothpaste froth. I looked at my gums and couldn’t believe that blood could ooze out of your gums like that. Painless yet frightening. I recalled reading a little about this in ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting‘, but couldn’t remember what it said I should do. I sent a frantic message to my friend and dentist Teena, whose calm response did nothing to alleviate my panic. “It’s a normal pregnancy symptom Pragya. Use your water flosser regularly and come in for a cleaning.”
Gingivitis can happen during any trimester and usually peaks during the third. While the exact cause isn’t known, doctors speculate there could be several reasons for this.
I remember an entire week where I’d wonder when the bleeding would stop, and eventually it did stop. So if you’re in the same boat, don’t worry too much about this, but make sure you’re maintaining as much oral hygiene as possible. And schedule an appointment with your dentist asap.
Sneezing blood is not what great pregnancy stories are made of. But many women, including me, have that unfortunate experience.
Nosebleeds happen because of the same reason that your gums bleed – there is so much more blood circulating through your system and hormones. In addition to this:
Although nosebleeds are nothing to worry about, if it doesn’t stop then it’s a good idea to consult a doctor. Also if you’ve been diagnosed with high blood pressure, or feel dizzy and have problems breathing, then consult a doctor asap.
Besides these two pregnancy symptoms, there are so many others that women encounter. No two pregnancies are the same, so the symptoms vary from person to person. That said, there are so many things, such as PGP, which are just a game of hormones (as my yoga teacher likes to say), and you have to work on management rather than prevention. Thus far I’ve relied on my intuition and a fair amount of research to make decisions for myself, which has worked for me.
As always reaching out to friends and family can give you the support you need for a healthy and rewarding pregnancy. In case you have any questions about your experience, please leave a comment or email me on pragya.bhatt@gmail.com
In the last couple of months I’ve had conversations with many women who want to improve their hormonal health, and ask me about yoga for fertility and other tools that can help with that. Amongst other things I’ve noticed that many women equate yoga to a ‘workout’ when it comes to their health. Not only is this understanding incorrect, but it’s also misleading. It makes women think they are doing all they can by way of physical movement, but it might be harming you more than helping you.
Don’t get me wrong, I love working out – I love running and barre class. I’ve been working out consistently throughout my pregnancy, and making sure I get 10000 footsteps as often as I can. But during my journey to conception I noticed a very different message coming through from my teachers and alternative healers.
They asked me to slow down and relax. Calm down your system. And to be honest, for me that conjured visions of a bunch of old people slouching on their meditation pillows and chanting. I am more into mindfulness through movement – which is how I’ve carefully crafted my yoga practice over the years.
So when even my yoga teachers started putting me in lots of supine asanas, I started to wonder why the alternative healing community focused on slowing down, while the allopaths all wanted us to exercise and sweat it out. How is yoga different from working out (and working out can be anything from swimming, to running to going to the gym, or a sport)?
Practicing yoga for fertility was a journey of trial and error.
When I first started practicing yoga to boost my fertility, my teacher put me on an intense regime of 20-25 backbends a day. And then one day she suddenly changed her approach – she kept me in supine asanas for almost half an hour. This was a whole new world of yoga practice, and it was unsettling.
Soon I observed that I felt good post this slowed down (allegedly boring) slow yoga (sloga?). It was palpable. It was tangible. I felt calm and balanced instead of stimulated and excited.
Which bring me to the first difference between yoga and exercise.
The parameters for a ‘good’ exercise session are usually external – that heady feeling post a quick run, bench pressing x amount, x footsteps in a day, and even the reduction of weight over a sustained period of time. Yoga sessions designed with your internal chemistry in mind will initially not give you a heady rush. The sense of well-being creeps up on you slowly, and sooner or later you’re bound to notice it. The point is that this change originates from within you, but we keep looking for an outward confirmation.
But patience goes a long way – when this transformation finally happens (as it undoubtedly will), you will start to move and even glow differently. Your connection with yourself will be stronger than ever. This is what held me in good stead when I repeatedly denied ART methods of conception.
Everything we do has an impact on our hormonal health, either enhancing or harming it. Even the face cream you use.
At unbalanced levels the cumulative stress on the body (physical, emotional etc) causes cortisol to be secreted. The presence of cortisol for long periods of time makes our bodies think we are constantly in flight or fight mode. This impacts your growth, digestion and reproductive system.
When we are not wired to see the benefit of stillness, we don’t know how much is too much exercise. This pregnancy journey has taught me an appreciation for the balance that stillness and contemplation that only yoga can give.
Yoga changes your internal landscape.
A well-crafted yoga sequence is like an exquisitely baked cake – made by mixing together the perfect quantities of the finest ingredients, whipped and baked by the most talented culinary expert who artfully contours the icing with the most delicate strokes.
It cajoles and gently remonstrates your wayward glands effecting a change in your hormonal composition. This is when and where the transformation begins. The aftermath of my pregnancy yoga routine has been feelings of contentment, wholesomeness and even happiness.
Many of us have an erroneous understanding of how stress inhabits our system. We believe stress to be temporary – often coming in the wake of tight deadlines or stifling family drama. Stress is actually the physiological impact that results from such events, and its impact outlasts the event that caused it. Much like pressure that builds up in a closed valve – the valve (your body) can take only a certain amount before it bursts.
Yoga slows down your body by first slowing down your mind. Yoga for fertility encourages practitioners to spend a lot of time moving mindfully (and slowly) from one asana to another. The movements become more intentional and mindful. Soon this movement becomes the norm for the practitioner.
Instead of time being reduced to 30 second sprint intervals on a treadmill, a yogi’s body starts to expand to fill time and space.
Our approach to exercise is lop-sided. The owner of a gym I used to teach in a few years ago advised me to design yoga routines that would have students crawling out of class in exhaustion. According to him that was the key to a successful class. Many of us believe that the more we sweat it out, the better it is for our body. This mentality needs to change. Slowing down enables us to explore bits and pieces of ourselves that require time and patience. Once we shine a light on these ignored aspects of our Self – our entire being glows with a new understanding. Going by what people have been telling me, this glow characterises my pregnancy.
That said, not all yoga classes focus on therapy – some are designed just to be a good sweat sesh (nothing wrong with that). But if you are looking to amplify your fertility through yoga, then you need to look for an experienced teacher who can help you customise a routine that works for you.
I talk more about this in this video on YouTube. Have a look.
A not so candid moment during our baby moon.
As many of you know, I’ve been largely disappointed by the medical fraternity (the allopathic one, that is) for my pregnancy. I speak about my experiences in this video. During my search for a compassionate and credible doctor, I tried “famous” doctors. The strangest doctor was The Doctor Who Ghosted Me.
I feel women should be vocal about their fertility issues because during my journey I found friends, friends of friends and even people on Instagram were more than happy to volunteer information and contacts. Instagram is where I heard about The Doctor Who Ghosted Me – a friend’s friend had shared a ‘he saved my life’ kind of posts and I quickly got in touch to find out more. Feeling a renewed sense of hope, I booked an appointment. It was gratifying to see the crowded waiting room at the hospital. It meant the doctor was in high demand.
He came across as open, friendly and even compassionate, a welcome change from the other doctors I’d met. He was uncharacteristically laid-back about IVF, saying he believes it to be physically, emotionally and financially draining. It was refreshing to meet a doctor who wasn’t aggressively selling IVF, and I appreciated this fresh approach. But when I told him my history of yoga practice, he said he’d heard that yoga helps but since he’s never met anyone it has actually helped, he can’t comment on it. When I told him I’d done a few acupuncture sessions he said acupuncture didn’t work for his debilitating backache.
Before he took out his prescription pad he seemed to think, and looked up once again. “You’re sure you don’t want to try IVF, correct?” he asked. I nodded and said, “Yes.”
He wrote prescription detailing the steps we can take for more clarity on what is happening. “And this is it,” he said. “You don’t have to come in to see me again. Scan your reports and email them to me. I will respond within an hour.” It seemed to good to be true.
The next month I mailed him my report and got prompt replies from him. Things looked good and we would monitor another cycle. Month 2 came around and I emailed him my reports as usual.
“Attached is my scan from today. Apparently there’s a new submucosal fibroid that hadn’t been detected before,” I wrote to him. “Is it something to worry about? What are my next steps?”
“We had planned three cycles right?” he wrote back.
“Yes, I meant does this new finding change how we will proceed. In terms of medication etc.,” I wrote back.
I never heard back from him.
In retrospect I feel that this doctor was probably uncomfortable with a woman who was was forthright, informed, confident about her decisions and had ownership of her body and mind. Maybe it’s easier for men to ghost such women, than to hold a conversation as equals with them.
Prior to actually falling pregnant I never really understood pregnancy back pain. About three months into my pregnancy I started feeling an unfamiliar pain whenever I turned over in bed, or slid off the bolsters after cross-bolster setubandha sarvangasana. Basically, whenever my weight was unevenly supported by my pelvis. This kind of pain is common and is referred to as Pelvic Girdle Pain (PGP) and also Pubic Symphysis Dysfunction (PSD).
About 2 in 5 women experience this pain, so it’s more common than we think.
This pain occurs in different areas of the pelvis, such as the groin, the buttocks (similar to sciatica), the thighs, the lower back, or the hips. I sometimes even feel a clicking in my pelvic joints (even now, 6 months into the pregnancy). But thankfully, I’ve been able to successfully manage the pain through regular yoga and conscious movement.
Source: https://thebackbone.co.uk/pelvic-girdle-pain-pgp/
There are many causes for Pelvic Girdle Pain. It can be related to previous injuries or even the natural structural build of a woman. The weight of the growing baby also puts added strain on a woman’s pelvis, which can be a contributing factor. Other factors are:
Viparita Karani helps to relax and align the lower back. Make sure to use a bolster for extra comfort and width for the pelvis.
Make sure to keep your legs wide to accommodate the growing belly.
In the prenatal yoga classes I attended, my teacher taught me this variation – where you can give more support to your lower back using another bolster. It seems like a small and insignificant change – but on many days this variation felt extra soothing.
Widen your legs.
Supta padangushtasana B is wonderful to stabilise the pelvis. Do it on both sides for about 2 minutes each, and don’t forget the bolster under the extended leg. The height of the leg isn’t important – in fact, you might feel better if you reduce the angle between the legs.
Because there is no one reason for why this pain occurs, prevention is better than cure. But, because pregnancy is also a game of hormones, it’s not always possible to prevent pelvic girdle pain, and you might need to just manage the symptoms.
Hope this helps!