9 Things New Moms Should Stop Feeling Guilty About

Pregnancy is often projected as a glow-y, rosy time.  Very little is written about postpartum.  Pregnancy is a time when everyone is extra careful and kind to the expectant mother.  This often changes very quickly post delivery.  For me it was as though within only a couple of hours reality changed beyond recognition.  Sudden it’s all about the baby, and as the mother you’re at the receiving end of unsolicited advice and stifling opinions.  With the fireworks of hormones that’s going on in your system, most women I know (including me), have found this time stressful and difficult, compounded by feelings of mom guilt.

The best advice I received when I was pregnant was to maintain balance.  To not let the baby consume everything, including me.

But new mom-guilt is real, and not something we can wish away easily.  But, there are certain things I feel we should stop feeling guilty about.

9 Things New Moms Should Stop Feeling Mom Guilt About

1. The Rage.  Blame this on the hormones, but it’s more common that you’d believe.  Every mother who experiences this blames herself, and in every single case she’s confused about why she’s so angry.  There’s relatively little research done on the causes of postpartum rage, and so there’s no established cure.  You’re not alone in feeling this illogical rage, and there’s little you can do about it.  Forgive yourself for what you did when you were powerless to do anything else.
2. The intrusive thoughts.  For many women having a child can trigger past trauma.  A smile, watching the baby sleeping, the curve of a small hand – anything can bring emotions to the surface.  Young mothers experiencing this feel mom guilt for not being ‘present’ for their new babies.  There’s also confusion.  Women wonder if they truly want to be mothers; after all, if they did, wouldn’t they be able to focus only on their child?  If this sounds like you, I’d urge you to find a good therapist, friend or family member and talk about this.
3. Not being able to appreciate the postpartum body.  I know the female body is great and wondrous.  I also know that many women are conscious of their postpartum bodies.  There’s a certain disconnect that happens when you’re feeling strange in your new contours, but also receiving messages about being grateful for a body capable of creating life.  We might eventually get to the grateful stage, but for a while it’s OK not to feel OK about your postpartum body and to let go of the mom guilt associated with it.
4. Wishing “well-meaning” relatives away, but also knowing they do make life a bit easier.  During the crucial 40 days postpartum my house was full of people with opinions about what I should be doing.  Even the cook – a young, unmarried man!  It was overwhelming, and one day I stayed cooped up in my room and refused to eat.  Everyone meant well, but I wanted them out of my hair.  I was conflicted between wanting everyone to disappear but also thinking it’s nice to be able to fall asleep knowing that the baby was safe.  These conflicting emotions were uncomfortable.  In retrospect I would say feel the feels, and don’t don’t worry about how legit they are.
5. Looking for something to wear that will make you feel sexy (and less ‘mumsy’).  Once I’d put away all the clothes that didn’t fit, the remaining clothes were shapeless tees, loose shorts and a few kaftans.  One day I decided I needed to feel like the woman who teaches yoga, writes books and travels.  I went online and splurged on a black dress that was decidedly not ‘mumsy’.  Every time I wore that black dress I felt (almost) like my old self (just many kgs heavier).  The dress falls softly over my curves, helping me forget how clumsy and unwieldy a maternal body can feel.  Even now it’s tucked away in my closet, no longer my go-to when my clothes are often spit stained and need to be conducive for nursing.  It reminds me that it’s OK to want to feel not pregnant, and a dress can do the trick.
6. Not hurrying out of the shower when you hear the baby wailing.  Long before becoming pregnant was even a smidge of a thought in my head, a friend of mine fell pregnant.  “I want to shower like an adult – with the door closed and without rushing,” she told me.  Fast forward to today and I can appreciate small luxuries.  There are days when I’m too weary for words and the water courses comfortingly down my skin.  At times like these it’s OK to let the baby wail for a few minutes instead of rushing to pacify her.  After all, you can’t fill from an empty cup.
7. Enjoying a drink or two, and that bit of resentment about not being able to down a few more (like in the old days).  I was never a heavy drinker.  But after almost a year of abstinence I began to crave sitting at a bar with adults, talking about non-baby things, smelling of my favorite perfume and just that bit tipsy to have fun but not get caught by cops outside TOIT or whatever the latest flavor of the season is.
8. Using formula milk so that life is easier for you.  Many women reached out to me to share their own experience with me when I uploaded this video (the first in which I spoke about the difficulty of my pregnancy journey).  “Formula is just as good,” an acquaintance from my days at RIMYI told me.  Given that breast milk being called ‘liquid gold’, it’s understandable that feelings of failure or pressure are associated with the inability/lack of desire to breastfeed.  But you can’t fill from an empty cup so find a good formula and don’t give in to societal pressure.
9. Using the baby as an excuse to get out of things.  This is my personal favorite.  I have a valid excuse to get out of boring social or even familial obligations.  You’ve gone through a lot, and now it’s ok to cut yourself some slack and not let mom guilt get in the way.

 

I wanted to make this a list of 10 things, I actually couldn’t find any more.  What else should be this list?